Slap on some Patton, the Army's official cologne

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Do men want to smell like Gen. George S. Patton?

The U.S. Army is banking on it. It’s licensed an official fragrance called “Patton” by Parfumologie.

This is a funny way to brand your cologne. Despite Patton’s accomplishments at the Battle of the Bulge and in the North African campaign, and his rep as a master strategist, Patton was known as an impulsive and humorless eccentric who loved to curse and quite famously gave a shell shocked soldier a pep talk using his pimp hand.

And what would induce the armed forces to monetize its image alongside Mariah Carey (“Lollipop Bling”), Avril Lavigne (“Hidden Rose”) and Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino (“The Sitch”)?

Um, it’s for the vets? It’s advertised as donating “a percentage” of its proceeds to the VA and the services. What does that mean?

The other services are in on this too, with “The American Line” by Parfumologie. On the office schwag table, we have Air Force’s “Stealth,” which smells inappropriately earthy. The Marines’ “Devil Dog” just made our nostrils burn.

Patton we don’t have, but the name conjures the smell of an old leather satchel, North Africa, the inside of a World War I tank, and beatings.

It’s advertised as a woodsy blend of lavender, citrus, coconut, cedar, sage, tonka bean, bergamot, lime, and the ad copy says it will “elicit feelings of majestic woodlands and endless horizons.”

Some guy on Amazon with a bunch of arrow tips on his wish list says “the smell is great.”

“It has a backwoods, masculine scent that evokes memories of LandNav courses and ruck marches (if you could add a hint of cordite, it’d be right on the spot). My girlfriend adores the smell, and a lot of people ask what it is when I wear it,” he says. (I can’t tell if he’s joking.)

So, what are you waiting for, soldier? Slap some on, hit the club and conduct some offensive operations.

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33 Comments

  1. I would be almost willing to bet that Gen. Patton would bitch slap whoever came up with this stupid marketing gimmick.

  2. “Um, it’s for the vets? It’s advertised as donating “a percentage” of its proceeds to the VA and the services. What does that mean?”
    It would be helpful to know more details- whether or not this is a true benefit or a waste of money. Right now it’s not looking very responsible.

  3. If you want to donate money to veterans, cut a check. Or spend some time volunteering. “A percentage”, whatever it might be, is always less than you’d give by just donating directly.

    Same thing, by the way, with buying Girl Scout cookies: if you want the cookies, buy them at the grocery store; if you want to help the Girl Scouts, hand them five bucks, which is more than they’ll get from your twenty bucks worth of cookies. Likewise for anything painted pink, most things painted green, and anything else that promises to give any amount less than 100% to whatever cause.

    Don’t mix charity with business. Do business with people you want to do business with, and donate directly to the causes you want to donate to, but don’t do business with people because they promise some, no matter what, donation, because it’s ALWAYS less than if you just went and did it yourself.

  4. A bit rough on Patton – “Beatings” – he ‘bitch-slapped’ a kid in an attempt to wake him up. I would be tempted to do tha same to anyone who couldn’t control themselves.

    Actually a common remedy for hysteria…

    The description of the Cologne sounds like it will have ‘Manly’ fragrance, but the monetary amount to the VA should go directy to soldier support not that hypocracy…

  5. TexasMom2012 on

    Not sure about the girl scout cookies, our extended family always buys several hundred dollars worth because our local girl scout council has a deal with Fort Hood to send any donated cookies overseas for our troops. I find that a double win; girl scouts get some funds and hopefully it is a reminder for our young men and women so far from home that we will not forget them.

  6. “Patton was known as an impulsive and humorous eccentric who loved to curse and quite famously gave a coward a pep talk using his pimp hand.”

    FIFY

  7. We could use a few Patton’s now. Fight to win or don’t fight at all. He would never have tolerated the “lawyer in the fox hole” style of fighting that we have now days.

  8. I remember when every footlocker had the mandatory bottle of Aqua-Velva on inspection day. Still my favorite…. Give money direct to a Vet cause don’t split it with a commercial operation.

  9. At the risk of being the stick in the mud, I find it terrifically gauche and disrespectful that the memory of a venerable officer of our honored Armed Services is being boxed and marketed like some reality t.v. celebrity to raise money for a cash strapped DoD. What’s next? A perfume named “Khan” for those evenings when you want to evoke a milieu of horse sweat, fermented milk, and the blood of screaming innocents?

    On the bright side, if you’re in a pinch behind enemy lines, you could always wad up your hanky, stuff it in the top, light and toss for a stylish Molotov cocktail. The enemy will surely appreciate it’s bright, yet masculine bergamot top notes.

  10. At the risk of being the stick in the mud, I find it terrifically gauche and disrespectful that the memory of a venerable officer of our honored Armed Services is being boxed and marketed like some reality t.v. celebrity to raise money for a cash strapped DoD. What’s next? A perfume named “Khan” for those evenings when you want to evoke a milieu of horse sweat, fermented milk, and the blood of screaming innocents?

    On the bright side, if you’re in a pinch behind enemy lines, you could always wad up your hanky, stuff it in the top, light and toss for a stylish Molotov cocktail. The enemy will surely appreciate it’s bright, yet masculine bergamot top notes.

  11. Wonderful! Next we can eliminate the military budget from taxpayer expense, since this and other future Army products will surely generate huge revenues.

  12. Pingback: The Crazy Idea to Make a Cologne For Every Military Branch | affotd

  13. I got the perfect classic rock jingle for their commercials! That smell by lynyrd skynyrd

    Oooooo that smell……… can’t you smell that smell………… oooooo that smell…….. the smell of death surrounds you

  14. Marie Mulligan on

    Only if a large % of the profit is given to military families would I consider purchasing…and of course if it smells good.I would hope it smelled of a clean refreshing scent.Our military is our strength and they are strong so I would want a scent that is confident in nature.Great idea if the intent is to help the military.

  15. I’m a Vietnam Vet living on a fixed income. The one big problem with your add is nowhere does it give the price for this “Patton”

  16. William Colby on

    I am a retired 30 year Marine and two tour disabled Viet Nam veteran.

    Viet Nam verterans were far from home too and we have been forgotten.

    President George H. W. Bush said at the start of the first gulf war, “We can put Vietnam behind us.” I can’t.

  17. What a stupid idea. The Indians could smell the British & French troops coming and later could smell the US cavalry coming. The Japanese said they could smell our troops in many instances. The Viet Cong said the same as they set up ambushes in Viet Nam. So get all smelly and give yourself away. The stuff is probably a toxic blend of artificial chemical fragrances that will later prove cancerous as most chemical fragrances do now. And give to the VA. When has the Federal Gov’t managed money or a program efficiently? Give it to a private Vet org.

  18. I remember when every footlocker had the mandatory bottle of Aqua-Velva on inspection day. Still my favorite…. Give money direct to a Vet cause don’t split it with a commercial operation.

  19. today is my Dad’s 87th birthday, a World War II Marine. His middle name is Patton! I’d love to get him this but have no idea where to find it.

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