Slap on some Patton, the Army's official cologne

Do men want to smell like Gen. George S. Patton?

The U.S. Army is banking on it. It’s licensed an official cologne called “Patton” by Parfumologie.

This is a funny way to brand your cologne. Despite Patton’s accomplishments at the Battle of the Bulge and in the North African campaign, and his rep as a master strategist, Patton was known as an impulsive and humorless eccentric who loved to curse and quite famously gave a shell shocked soldier a pep talk using his pimp hand.

And what would induce the armed forces to monetize its image alongside Mariah Carey (“Lollipop Bling”), Avril Lavigne (“Hidden Rose”) and Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino (“The Sitch”)?

Um, it’s for the vets? It’s advertised as donating “a percentage” of its proceeds to veterans organizations. I’m skeptical.

The other services are in on this too. On the office schwag table, we have Air Force’s “Stealth,” which smells inappropriately earthy. The Marines’ “Devil Dog” just made our nostrils burn.

Patton we don’t have, but the name conjures the smell of an old leather satchel, North Africa, the inside of a World War I tank, and beatings.

It’s advertised as a woodsy blend of lavender, citrus, coconut, cedar, sage, tonka bean, bergamot, lime, and some guy on Amazon with a bunch of arrow tips on his wish list says “the smell is great.”

“It has a backwoods, masculine scent that evokes memories of LandNav courses and ruck marches (if you could add a hint of cordite, it’d be right on the spot). My girlfriend adores the smell, and a lot of people ask what it is when I wear it,” he says. (I can’t tell if he’s joking.)

So, what are you waiting for, soldier? Slap some on, hit the club and conduct some offensive operations.